I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
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Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire