I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
