I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
