I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
The “baby” on the left….
Love this one 😂🧟
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Customize Your Wedding.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
i would wish you the best but i am the best
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
