Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster

You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?

REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.

me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools

*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*

GUY: HA! You flinched

ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-

GUY: *actually punches me*

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday

[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns

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