i think a group of white people should be called a brunch.

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Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”


My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.


[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no


911: What’s your emergency?

Me: I need several Ambuli stat!

911: Ambuli?

Me: Yea plural for Ambulance

911: No its not

Me: It should be


Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.



[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!


I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that the worst time to have a heart attack would be during a game of charades.


I dont ‘scrub up’ like a surgeon after using the urinal because growing up, they taught us not to piss all over our hands n arms, you baboon


Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.


“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)