The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
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If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
LOOOOOOL
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.