Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
i think a group of white people should be called a brunch.
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My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I need several Ambuli stat!
Me: Yea plural for Ambulance
911: No its not
Me: It should be
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that the worst time to have a heart attack would be during a game of charades.
I dont ‘scrub up’ like a surgeon after using the urinal because growing up, they taught us not to piss all over our hands n arms, you baboon
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)