I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
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I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
bags with threatening auras
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.