I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
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360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
“Sheer Arrogance”
