I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
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“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Just a phase…
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.