I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
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“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Cat is stressing him out.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂