I think about this a lot
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11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.