I think about this a lot
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If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I cannot call her anything else now
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking