I think about this cartoon a lot.
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ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey