I think about this cartoon a lot.
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Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
what my late-night hot pocket sees
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition