I think about this cartoon a lot.
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Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Seek kebab; not attention
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment