Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito

Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling

Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-

Me: LANGUAGE!

10: -OG!

Me: ohhh my bad, carry on

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.

ME, 10: I want a big mansion

ME, 20: I want a cool apartment

ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

Never let them know your next move 😂

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

i want enemies