I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
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I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
