I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
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*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Holy moly
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”