I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
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Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”