I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
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*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.