I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
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I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
eggs benadryl
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.