I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
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“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?