I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
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Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
choose your gary
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.