I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
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Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”