Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

Proctology is located in A55

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?

Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?

Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?

*shoots kneecap*

How bout now?

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.

I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

My mother is the strongest woman I know.

You should see how far she could throw a shoe.

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.

COMPUTER: Enter password

ME: [types ’14days’]

COMPUTER: Your password is two week

ME: Uh?

COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”