I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
You Might Also Like
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running