I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
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When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Thinking about Jeff
logging onto twitter…
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.