I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
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who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop