I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
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eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
I don’t cry when I cut onions because I have this little thing called composure.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.