I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
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Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I would move hell over six inches for you
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
The news in a nutshell.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!