i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
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me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.