Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice

we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.

Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—

Rookie: STOP TALKING

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.

Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?

Me: Buy stuff

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”

Denise please return my vape pen

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

wow

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.

me: just tell me what to do

universe: *gives me a clear sign*

me: well that could be for anybody

Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.

If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.