Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]

“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

Don’t tell me how to lift my baby

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.

Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.