I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
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My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”