I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
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I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones