I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
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When you try jalapeños for the first time
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
*offers Batman cough drops*
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.