Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.

Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.

streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy

You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed

I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

*watching someone make a cake*

them: and now add the mascarpone

me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses

People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying

Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2

me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?

him: no

me: they were a-salt-ed

him:

me: a-SALT-

him: leave

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆

It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.

{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok