I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
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[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.