Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.

Boy…💀💀💀💀

Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

For those that worship cheese..

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.

A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza

My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*

me: thanks

bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*

me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction

I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

*quietly adjusts thermostat*

my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond