I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
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Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
me after i passed that state trooper
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.