I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
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I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.