“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
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“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor