I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
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Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.