I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
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I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
I am having an out of money experience.
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Go hard or stay average