I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
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Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”