Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?

Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.

Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.

*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.

*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding

Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this

idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.

How to care for cast iron properly:

1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.

Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??

They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.