There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
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I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers