I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
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whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.