I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
You Might Also Like
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.