I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
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Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates