I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
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The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
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“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
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I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.