I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
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whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
everyone’s a critic
The real reason evolution started..😂
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
7 year old: Cruella DeVille is a bad person
Me: judging by your dusty ass coat I can see why you would think that
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after