I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
