I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
