I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
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Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?