I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
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How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.