I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
You Might Also Like
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
My inexpensive home security system…
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.