i think both sides are to blame here
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Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
#gardening
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
had to share :’)
