i think both sides are to blame here
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Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
😭😭😭
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this