i think both sides are to blame here
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If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
i meant to share this earlier
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Yup.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.