i think both sides are to blame here
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this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
what do you want!!!!!!!!
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.