i think both sides are to blame here
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Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me