i think both sides are to blame here
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Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
catch me on valentine’s day like
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.