Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..

Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.

Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.

.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.

when you don’t want to be too vague

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

ok this is my dumbest yet

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…

it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.