I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
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Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.