I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
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life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
perfect
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT