I think costco should be the next president of the united states
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My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma