Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘I know a black person’

– White people

Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?

wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

DATE: I want someone who can cook

ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

Wake me when AI does housework

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.

7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!

Me: suddenly now you can do math

My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse

It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.

Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.

You sure about that?

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no