Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

Me: *falls down entire staircase*

(20 full seconds of silence)

Dad: …careful.

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*

me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!

Mapping America’s Far Right

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,

you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.