“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
You Might Also Like
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…