i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
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New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
North and South
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
SONOFA
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo