Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

Monica just destroyed the internet

me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what

The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!

Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia

you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

Saw online –

Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.

Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.

First hand-job experience = bad.

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

You: how are you?

Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.

You: what?

Me: Good. I’m good.

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams