i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
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That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
This is my brand.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
i really liked this one
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no