I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
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Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
oh shit
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
No flush
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible