I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
You Might Also Like
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
