I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
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ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I love wikipedia
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Rest assured?!
Buddy I have young children, the only thing I’m assured of, is that I won’t be resting for long
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.