Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face

“Have you met my other half?”

– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?

Just me?

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost

I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.