I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
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“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.