Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

BREAKING

Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…

All I want for Christmas is my gross pay

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.

Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?

You know who else has a naughty list?

HR

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.

Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.