I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
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VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
me watching my own Instagram story
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
when revenge coincides with naptime
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)